


Inside and Out

by stereobone



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hipsters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-10
Updated: 2013-07-10
Packaged: 2017-12-18 08:17:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/877620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stereobone/pseuds/stereobone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two months after Thor moves to New York, Loki follows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inside and Out

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 한국어 available: [Inside and Out](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032700) by [quimiliax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/quimiliax/pseuds/quimiliax)



> This a filled request for [mrhiddles](http://mrhiddles.tumble.com), who won my fic giveaway and asked for hipster Thor/Loki and first time angst. Hope this works for you, dear!

Two months after Thor moves to New York, Loki follows. He doesn't expect this, as he never expects anything that Loki does, but it makes him happy nonetheless. Brooklyn is a madhouse, a living organ of people and brownstones and budding dreams. It's easy to get lost in it at all. So it's nice when a familiar face shows up. The thing is, Thor doesn't even _know_ that Loki's moved to the city until he sees him on the subway one day, nose in a book.

"Loki," he says, mouth open, eyes wide. 

Loki looks up. 

"Oh," he says, as if Thor should have known all along. "It's you."

* * *

He's too happy to think about the reasons why Loki's come to New York. All Thor can think about is that fact that Loki is here, smart-mouthed and cynical. Thor has missed that. He knew he would miss Loki when he moved—he just didn't realize how much. It's felt like a limb has been cut off and just now grew back. Thor doesn't say any of this. He nearly football tackles Loki on the subway, though.

Loki lives two blocks away by himself. Thor doesn't need to ask how he can afford it—they come from money. He goes home with Loki the same day and looks around his apartment. There are unpacked boxes of books stacked in the bedroom and random records sitting out on the coffee table. Thor opens his window to let the crisp fall air in, inhales the smell of wet dead leaves. 

"You could have told me you were coming. I have a spare room." 

"We're not children," Loki says. "I can live by myself." 

Thor shrugs. He doesn't see what difference it would make. He can't imagine they won't be together all the time anyway. Loki doesn't offer him a tour but Thor looks around anyway at all five hundred feet of the apartment. When he comes out of the bedroom, Loki is hanging out the open window smoking a cigarette. 

"You shouldn't smoke," Thor says. 

"I'm quitting," Loki says, and watches traffic out the window. 

Thor rubs his hands on his jeans. They're sweaty and he doesn't know why. 

"Are you working?" 

"I'm bartending at Hansen's." 

"Oh." Thor pauses. Something feels different between them, but he can't place what it is. He feels unwelcome. "Well, I have class, so I have to go." 

He watches Loki blow out smoke through his nose and for a moment, doesn't think he's going to say goodbye. Then Loki turns and smiles at him. 

"You should come see me sometime," he says. "I'll make you a drink."

* * *

 "You remember my brother, Loki?" 

Natasha looks up at Thor over her espresso. 

"Of course I remember Loki. You talk about Loki almost every day. He might as well live here." 

They're just outside the engineering building getting coffee before class and ignoring the homeless people peddling by the park. Thor grabs his own coffee and snorts, because he does not talk about Loki _every_ day.  

"Well, he just moved here." 

Natasha regards him seriously. "Oh shit, really? Good for him. Is he going to school?" 

Thor stirs sugar into his coffee deliberately and watches the granules dissolve. 

"No," he says. "He's just…living, I guess. He bartends at Hansen's." 

They walk back inside clutching their coffees in both hands. Thor walks past other students on autopilot, thinking about Loki in New York, Loki by himself, Loki surrounded by smoke and looking at him like he's a stranger. There's so much between them that needs to be fixed, but Thor isn't sure how they became broken in the first place. He nearly drops his coffee when Natasha puts her hand on his arm. 

"Hey," she says. "What's wrong?" 

"I think he's mad at me." 

"Loki?" 

"When I saw him today, it was weird. I felt like he didn't want me there." 

Thor feels stupid talking about this, but he can't stop thinking about it. He must look genuinely conflicted, because Natasha gives him one of her sympathetic smiles. 

"He's probably just adjusting to city life. Give it time, you'll be fine." She hugs him and then squeezes his shoulder. "Or you could just, you know, talk to him, like normal brothers." 

They part for class, and Thor thinks _normal_ and knows he and Loki are the exact opposite of that. As children, they might has well have been conjoined twins. There was a running joke in the family that Thor had two shadows, because wherever he went Loki followed right behind, starry-eyed and smooth-cheeked. Even when they grew older, not much changed. No matter where Thor was, Loki probably was too. They were a package deal, the Odinson brothers. 

And then Thor got accepted to New York for his Master's program. His mom and dad were ecstatic, hugs all around, a few tears. But once Thor told Loki, things changed. Loki suddenly felt distant, strange. He congratulated Thor and then didn't touch him the rest of the day, not even accidentally. Thor felt guilty, and he shouldn't have, but he did anyway. 

The night before he left, he tried to talk to Loki, tried to make it seem like nothing. 

"We can't be around each other all the time, you know?" he said. 

Loki, who was sitting at his computer, turned and gave Thor the nastiest look Thor could ever remember being given. It lasted no longer than a blink, and then Loki was smiling like nothing had ever happened. His eyes looked hollow. 

"Of course I know that," he said. "Don't be an idiot." 

Thor thought he looked like he might cry. Not because he was sad, but because he was angry. When Loki got up to leave the room, Thor grabbed him by the arm to pull him into a hug, and Loki kissed him. It was not a brotherly kiss. At first Thor didn't move, couldn't move, and by the time he felt like he might be able to, Loki had already pulled away. He didn't look at Thor. He left the room red-faced, and Thor still didn't move. 

Other than a few texts, they hadn't talked once since Thor left. 

* * *

He goes to Hansen's that Friday with Steve. It's a three-day weekend, which means it's the perfect excuse for Thor to get drunk and avoid writing his papers. He and Steve get to Hansen's around ten and it's already packed, but Thor has no trouble picking Loki out behind the bar. He's wearing a dark green tank top, hair tied loosely back. The sides underneath are still shaved, and it makes his cheekbones look sharper. Thor inhales.

"There's Loki," he says, and starts guiding Steve over. 

"I feel like this place is way too hip for me," Steve says. 

Thor laughs and tells him to relax, even though he's kind of right. The walls are decorated in graffiti, paper lanterns hang from the ceiling. Music is playing that even Thor doesn't recognize. They find two empty seats at the bar and Thor waits for Loki to notice them. When he does see Thor, he looks genuinely pleased and ignores everyone else to go over to him. 

"If it isn't my brother," he says. 

His smile fades some when he notices Thor isn't alone. 

"This is my friend, Steve," Thor says. 

Steve extends a hand across the bar but Loki doesn't take it, just stares. After an awkward few seconds, Steve pulls his hand back. 

"So what are you having?" Loki says. 

"Whiskey," Thor says. "On the rocks. Same for Steve." 

Once Loki moves away, Steve lets out a long, low whistle. Thor already knows what he's going to say. 

"I was not expecting that." 

"I know." 

"I thought your brother would be more…you know…" Steve grapples for the word but fails and says, "Like you." 

Thor laughs but it's true. Loki is his opposite in almost every way imaginable. Sometimes it's hard to believe they're even brothers. But Thor wouldn't want it any different, and he's sure Loki wouldn't either. Their relationship has never been easy to define, it's just always existed, there's never been anything to question. Even with what happened the night before he left, Thor tells himself there's nothing to question. 

Loki comes back over with two whiskeys and a white towel draped over one shoulder. 

"Drink up," he says. "It's two for one." 

"Oh lord," says Steve. 

Thor drinks his first and second whiskey within a half hour. Then he has Steve's second whiskey. Then he orders two more. Every time Loki looks at him, he gets more and more nervous, like he has to prove something. Thor feels like Loki has been mad at him for these last two months, and the chance for him not to be again is something Thor wants desperately. 

"Hey," Steve says, patting his back. "Maybe you should slow down a bit." 

Thor shrugs him off. "I'm fine. You've seen me drink way more than this." 

He blinks and wakes up in Loki's apartment. Thor jolts upright and regrets it immediately when his head starts spinning. He puts his face in his hand and tries to get his bearings back before stumbling off the couch. He wobbles into a standing position. It's still dark outside, and he still feels drunk. He must have blacked out. Loki is next to him without warning. 

"Water," he says, and shoves a glass into Thor's hand. 

"Where's Steve?" 

"He went home after your fourth drink." 

"Oh." Thor's mouth feels dry and rancid so he downs the water. "I'm still drunk." 

"I know," Loki says. 

He sits on the couch and motions for Thor to join him, so Thor does. And then, because he's drunk, Thor leans his head onto Loki's shoulder. 

"You hate me," he says. 

Loki goes stiff under him, but he still says, "You're so overdramatic." 

"I am not." 

Thor can smell laundry detergent and smoke and alcohol on Loki, but also the scent of him, something he hadn't realized he missed until just this moment. Things are weird between them. He doesn't want them to be. 

"Why did you move here?" he says. 

"I wanted to move out." 

Thor forces himself to sit upright so he can look at Loki. 

"You could have moved anywhere." 

Loki's mouth thins like he's angry. 

"I'm glad you moved here, though," Thor says. 

He tries to look Loki in the eye, but the room keeps spinning and Loki keeps moving. Eventually, Loki pushes him down so he's flat on the couch again. 

"Go to sleep," he says. 

* * *

He gets coffee and bacon for his hangover, and a change. Loki seems different, like Thor said something he should have said last night. The tension between them is less thick than before. Thor drinks his coffee like a shot and then sticks his mug out for more.

"That's organic, you know, it's expensive," Loki says, but pours him a cup anyway. 

"Is there more bacon?" 

"That's expensive, too." 

"This is New York, everything is expensive." 

Thor rests his head on the table. The surface is cool and feels beyond amazing. When he looks up, Loki is watching him with his arms crossed, mouth turned up, hair messy. Thor smiles weakly at him. 

"I'm glad you're here to suffer this with me," he says. 

Loki laughs softly. "I'm not suffering anything. I'm enjoying every moment of this." 

Thor flicks him off, and things feel back to the way they should be. 

* * *

They're not. Loki and Thor spend the weekend together—they ride the metro into Manhattan to visit the Guggenheim, they explore Prospect Park. Loki works again on Saturday night so Thor goes to visit (but avoids drinking). He takes Loki to one of his favorite restaurants and they feel like brothers again. 

Then Monday comes. Monday comes and Loki texts him to come over. 

 _I can't,_ Thor writes back, _Natasha is having a party. Want to go?_  

He gets no response. Later, when Thor texts him again, there's still no response. He calls and Loki doesn't answer. Thor panics, but under Natasha's urging, he does nothing. 

"He's probably working, or busy, or sleeping," she says. "Relax." 

Thor tries. He drinks a little, talks with Tony and Steve. They're all crammed into the apartment and there's enough going on for it to be distracting, but by two in the morning, Thor can't take it anymore. He kisses Natasha on the cheek and tells her he has to go. Once he's out her door, he's dashing to get over to Loki's. 

His brother answers on the fifteenth knock. He opens the door in sweatpants and nothing else, eyes bleary from sleep. Thor pushes past him to get inside. 

"We need to talk," he says. 

"You have impeccable timing, did you know that?"

"Why are you so angry with me?" 

Loki opens his mouth and then shuts it, laughs. He walks over to his coffee table to get a cigarette. 

"I thought you were quitting," Thor says.

Loki flicks his lighter. "I lied." 

Thor watches him, unsure what to do with his hands suddenly. Loki cracks the window open and blows smoke out. Some curls slowly out his mouth. It makes Thor want to grab the cigarette from between his lips and throw it. 

"I can't fix anything if you don't tell me what's wrong," he says.

"Nothing is wrong. Why don't you go back to your friend's party?"

He says _friend's_ with such venom that Thor immediately thinks he knows what's wrong.

"Are you jealous?"

Loki scoffs loudly. "Of your grad school friends? Hardly."

"You've been acting different ever since I told you I was moving." Thor blushes just thinking about saying it, but he knows he has to, or Loki won't, and then they'll never talk about it. "You kissed me, that night. The night before I left."

Loki gives him a vicious look, cheeks hollowing as he inhales. 

"You're drunk," he says. 

"I'm not." Thor can't stop his voice from getting louder. "That night, in your room—"

"You couldn't wait to leave," Loki says.

Everything seems to go still. Even the smoke from Loki's cigarette lingers in the air, suspended.

"You couldn't wait to be away from me," he says, and flicks his cigarette out the window. "Look at you, you can't wait to leave now."

"That isn't true," Thor says. "That isn't true at all."

Loki walks toward him and Thor starts to feel guilty. Maybe it's true and he hadn't even realized it. Being kissed by Loki hadn't felt strange, that was the problem—that was what terrified him. He went to New York and it felt good not to have to think about it and what it might mean. Loki stops in front of him and crosses his arms.

"You never called me. Not once." 

"I'm sorry," Thor says, not bothering to point out that Loki could have called him because he _is_ sorry. He's sorry about all of it.

Loki doesn't look sorry, though, he still looks angry. His face tells Thor that it's too late now, but that's not what he wants at all. Thor would rather the anger than nothing. He'd rather Loki at his worst than to not have him at all. That fact hits him and then he feels like the air has been sucked from his chest. His arms tingle. Loki uncrosses his arms and they fall tense at his sides. 

"You should leave," he says.

Thor doesn't leave. He grabs Loki by the shoulders and kisses him. Almost immediately, Loki resists him like it's a gut reaction. He pulls away and Thor can see nothing but the blacks of his eyes. 

"What the hell are you doing?" he says.

It seems obvious to Thor what he's doing, so he doesn't answer. He isn't sure how to even begin answering. Instead, he pulls Loki to him and kisses him again, clinging harder to his shoulders. Loki's mouth is open but he isn't reciprocating the kiss, and Thor is feeling more and more desperate, more like it really is too late. He stops the kiss so he can rest his forehead against Loki's. 

"I missed you," he says. 

He says it very soft, and as soon as the words leave his mouth, Loki is kissing him. They kiss with a kind of frenzy Thor can't remember having felt before. They kiss like they'll be caught at any moment. Loki is warm and bitter tasting, but Thor doesn't care at all. He kisses his brother so hard it feels like his mouth might bruise. Loki eventually pulls back so they can move to his bedroom. 

Thor is shaking when they climb into bed, but he realizes fairly quickly that Loki is shaking too. They tug off their shirts, their pants, watching each other as they strip until there is nothing between them anymore. Thor has seen Loki naked plenty of times—but never like this. He pushes him back against the mattress and crawls over him, watching the bob of Loki's throat.

"I'm your brother," Loki says. His voice is quiet and edging on hysteric. "This is sick." 

Thor kisses him because he doesn't want to think about that and the fact that he doesn't care. He wants this very much. He'll take the shame but he _wants_ this. Loki must, too, because after a few more minutes of kissing and rutting he digs out a bottle of lube and presses it into Thor's hand. 

It feels too easy. It's too easy for him to press his finger into Loki, too easy to watch the way his mouth opens at the sensation of it. He likes that Loki is hard, the head of his cock shining with pre-come. When he adds a second finger, Loki arches into it, eyes fluttering. Thor leans close to him. 

"You followed me here," he says, and kisses the quivering muscles of Loki's stomach. 

Loki shakes his head. "I didn't."

"Yes, you did. It's okay, I'm glad you did."

Loki opens his mouth, maybe to deny it again, but instead he lets out a low, drawn out moan. Thor grabs his hand and pulls it down next to his where his fingers are inside of him.

"Here," he says, and presses one of Loki's fingers in alongside his.

They stretch him open together. Loki's eyes are squeezed shut, teeth digging into his bottom lip. Thor can feel the way his thighs tremble around him, can feel the way Loki's body closes around both their fingers.

"Okay," Loki says, eyes snapping open. "Okay, enough." 

They slide their fingers out. Thor scrambles to open a condom and pour out more lube. For a moment, he thinks they could stop right here before it goes any further, but he knows it's too much now. He couldn't stop even if he wanted to. Loki followed him here. Thor settles between his legs and fucks into him slowly, wanting to feel every inch of it. Loki lets out a moan so open and raw Thor thinks he might come right then. He watches Loki, mesmerized, thrusting deeper and pushing himself flush against his brother. Thor feels so desperately turned on it nearly hurts.

Loki writhes under him, encouraging and moaning and unable to stay still. He tugs at his own hair, fingers wound tight.

"Oh god," he says. "Oh god, this is so fucked up."

"I know," Thor says, but he doesn't slow down. "Should I stop—?" 

"No. _No._ "

Loki wraps his arms around Thor's neck and pulls him down so they can kiss. Thor lets his cock slide nearly all the way out just so he can slam it back in and feel Loki moan into his mouth. It is fucked up, they both know it, but the knowledge of that only turns Thor on even more. It must be the same for Loki as well, because he can barely form words. Thor says his name and it comes out absolutely wrecked.

"Yeah," Loki says, and squeezes around him, the volume of his noises only growing louder. 

He's close, they both are. Thor bites at the skin of Loki's neck and drives into him, welcomes the moment they both tumble over the edge.

* * *

In the morning, Loki is sitting at the kitchen table with both knees up. He's wearing Thor's shirt and gray sweatpants and sporting a mark on his neck. Thor steps into the kitchen and sees two coffee mugs on the table. He sits. They drink in silence, Thor not daring to look at Loki. He doesn't know what the repercussions are now. The time to act without thinking is over. They're brothers, inside and out. They always will be.

"I can see you thinking from here," Loki says. 

Thor jumps and looks at him. Loki is watching him with his head cocked and his lips curled. 

"How much do you regret last night?" 

"I don't," Thor says, and that's the truth. 

Loki gets up to pour himself more coffee. It wasn't like Thor hadn't thought about it before. He had. He thought about Loki in a lot of ways, not all of them innocent. He told himself that was his mind being overactive, that there was nothing wrong with him. But the night Loki kissed him, Thor realized that there was something wrong with him—with both of them. The problem is, Thor can't bring himself to regret it, can't bring himself to feel bad. Loki is his brother, and Thor wants him in any way. Every way. 

"How long?" he says. 

Loki sits back down. "How long what?"

"How long have you felt like this?" 

"As long as you have," Loki says, which more or less answers Thor's question, because he's felt this way for a long time. 

He doesn't want to leave. He's afraid something will change as soon as he walks out the door, mostly Loki's mind. But he has class. Life has to keep going. Thor kisses Loki goodbye, relishing the taste of coffee on his lips. 

"I'll see you soon, though," Thor says. 

"Yes," says Loki.

* * *

He sees Loki right after class. They fuck again, this time with their clothes still half on, too impatient to get undressed all the way. Thor does homework on Loki's couch with Loki's feet in his lap. Later, they eat together. It feels like a world only they live in, nothing else to worry about. The pattern repeats the whole week, and Thor feels like he could do this forever.

"We should have started fucking years ago."

On top of him, Loki laughs, a genuine laugh, and then leans in so he can kiss Thor's jaw, his nose, his brow.

"We'll make up for it," he says, and they try, they try. 

* * *

That Friday, Loki doesn't have work and they end up at Steve's for a small get together. Loki actually shakes his hand this time, though he wasn't too ecstatic to go in the first place. In public, they're strictly brothers, nothing else. They can't afford to be found out as anything else. Thor sits next to Loki on Steve's couch and they drink beer and talk about whatever comes to mind.

"It must be nice to have your brother in New York," Steve says to Loki. 

"Nice for him," Loki says. "He missed me terribly."

"I know, he talked about you all the time."

"Did he?" Loki says. 

Thor blushes hard and changes the subject to basketball, but he can feel Loki's eyes on him, amused. The conversation drifts to school, then back to sports, and then to Steve's girlfriend. 

"Peggy's the one," he says. "I've been looking at rings."

"You're going to ask her to marry you?" Thor says. "That's great." 

"That's terrifying," Steve says. "Can you imagine?"

"Yeah." Thor finishes his beer and sets it next to the others on the coffee table. "You're old-fashioned."

Steve shrugs, grinning.

"I guess so. What about you? You think you'll get married?"

Thor's mouth dries up a little and he has to force himself not to look at Loki. He's thought about marriage occasionally. He's had a few serious girlfriends, but nothing that serious. But thinking about marriage now after what's happened between him and Loki is a sobering thought. It's a five-car pile up into reality. Loki doesn't move or say anything next to him, but Thor knows he's thinking about it too.

Forty minutes later, they leave. They don't speak on the subway back to Thor's place. Thor stares at the dirty floor of the train car and thinks about someday being married to someone and knowing that this secret will follow him forever. He tries to look at Loki, but his brother won't look back at him.

Loki almost doesn't go into his apartment with him. He lingers outside, looking ready to bolt until Thor pleads with him to come upstairs just for a moment.

The tension grows thicker inside and Thor's apartment seems even smaller. Fear sits in Thor's chest and throat at the thought of what Loki might say. Loki is rarely this quiet for this long, and that makes it twice as terrifying. Thor finally breaks the silence with a mundane question.

"Do you want a drink?"

He opens the fridge.

"This won't work," Loki says.

Thor shuts the fridge slowly. He knows that, he does. One day, he's going to have to get married—they both are. People will expect it. Their lives will separate and nothing will be like this again. But Thor is an eternal optimist, and he really thinks there's a chance it could be okay, at least for a while.

"Loki, don't—"

"We were stupid."

Loki finally looks at Thor, but now Thor wishes he wouldn't. His expression is stony, closed off. Thor tries to think of what he can say to make it okay. 

"I'm going home," Loki says.

Thor grabs for him without thinking. He pulls Loki to him before he can get to the door, and Loki starts struggling immediately. Thor isn't sure what he should do next, he just holds Loki there in his arms.

"Thor, let go," Loki says. "You asshole, let me go." 

"Please," Thor says.

"Please, what? Just let it go, just let me go." 

He can't answer Loki, he just keeps saying _please._ Loki is shaking his head at him, snarling and struggling. Eventually, he gets tired in Thor's grip, and Thor can feel him giving in, so he just picks Loki up and carries him to his bedroom. Loki kicks his leg but Thor ignores it. He drops Loki onto the bed and curls around him. He'll make him stay. Loki punches his chest.

"This won't work," he says. "Don't you fucking get it?"

Thor doesn't respond because he has no response to give. He wants it to work. At the very least, he wants to ride the wave of it until they both crash against the rocks, broken and bloody. He watches the way shift in Loki's face as they lay there, the way he goes from anger to confusion to helplessness. His fingers curl into the fabric of Thor's shirt.

"What are we going to do?"

"I don't know," Thor says. "Just stay here for now, okay? Just stay."

For once, Loki listens to him. He tucks himself into Thor, face buried in his chest, and they hold each other. Loki whispers something to him, maybe about how stupid he is, but Thor is so tired now, he can't seem to do anything but lay there. He wishes they could lay there forever.

They fall asleep to the sound of traffic.


End file.
